One morning, I was watching Mike & Mike on ESPN 2, and they had former Chicago Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher on set. He retired a few years ago, and his exit from the Bears was a bit messy. Urlacher and the Bears couldn’t agree on a new contract, but to hear him talk about it now, he was ready to take less money.

However, he didn’t like the Bears’ approach. Paraphrasing, Urlacher said the Bears presented their offer as:

“This is what we can pay you. Take it or leave it.”

But Urlacher would have rather heard something to the effect of:

“This is what we can pay you. We need you. Come back.”

Note that it would have been the same dollar amount, no matter what language Bears management used – strong-arm language, or more persuasive language designed to appeal to Urlacher’s heart. Perhaps the Bears didn’t really want him back, and that’s why they chose the former. But are we to understand that Urlacher would have taken the low-ball contract offer if the Bears had just been nicer? Yup.

Some will say, “Bro, it was the same amount of money! Who cares? Take it!” Nope, that’s not how human interactions really work.

When faced with a challenge, the most important question you can ask yourself is not, “How am I gonna do this?” Rather, it’s “What am I trying to accomplish?” Once you frame your challenge in that manner, you’re ready to answer the “how” question. In this case, if the Bears didn’t want Urlacher back, they won. If they were ready for him to take the offer and would have welcomed him back with open arms, they screwed up.

Your words matter.